Forgiveness
by life.rhapsody
Summary: KakaIru. Kakashi is haunted by the past, and Iruka doesn't know what to do. Spoilers to Kakashi Gaiden


Disclaimer: Don't own.

AN: Spoilers to Kakashi Gaiden.

* * *

A pain in his left eye woke him up. It stung and it burned, he pressed his palm against it, hissing at the pain. He felt a warm hand on his and heard soothing whispered from his lover.

"What is it, Kakashi?" he asked softly.

Kakashi shook his head, "It just burns," gentle fingers stroked his cheek before he felt the younger man move away and walk into the bathroom. He felt a cold damp towel press against his hand. He moved it, and allowed the younger man to gently press the towel against the stinging eye. It helped for the most part, some of the cold water seeped into his eye, and eased the burn.

"Does this happen often?" Iruka asked softly after a while, concern in his voice,

Kakashi shook his head, and closed his other eye, "No, only…only once a year," he swallowed through the lump forming in his throat.

Iruka remembered last year when this happened. The older man became distant and spent the day in his own apartment. When he went to check on him, the older man didn't answer the door. Worried, Iruka let himself in and found Kakashi huddled in a corner of his bedroom. Breaking. When he tried to sooth the man, Kakashi only became more tense and, if anything, pushed Iruka away. He pulled his wall back down and left Iruka on the other side.

Iruka could only nod in understanding. He pulled away the damp towel and cupped the pale cheek, stroking the scarred eye with his thumb, _Please let me be here for you…_ "Does it still hurt?"

Kakashi shook his head and leaned in to the touch, "Not as much."

Iruka continued to stroke the older man's cheekbone until he felt him fall asleep. He pulled his hand away and settled back down, resting his head on the older man's shoulder as his lover's steady breathing lulled him to sleep.

* * *

Iruka woke up alone. He smoothed his hand along the empty space in his bed and found it cold. He knew where the jounin was, or at least he had a pretty good guess. He sighed and got out of bed and decided to take a shower, where he mulled over and contemplated if he should go look for the older man and make sure he's alright or just simply be there, here, in his apartment, where the jounin can find him if he needs him. Iruka leaned against the tiled wall, the spray hitting his side. He didn't know what to do. Last time when he wanted to sooth the older man, he was pushed away, almost coldly, but he didn't hold it against him. He knew that this was how the jounin dealt with whatever was bothering him. Iruka got out of the shower.

All morning, no matter what he did, his mind wandered to his lover. Wandering if he should try to look for him, be there for him. Or should he give the older man the time he needed? Iruka ran a frustrated hand through his hair. _Should I just go…even if I know he'll push me away?_ He thought about for a moment, before he slipped on his shoes and left his apartment.

* * *

He tried the memorial first. Apparently he got there too late. The second place he tried was the jounin's apartment. He stood in front of the wooden door, hesitating. He let out a breath and knocked.

No answer.

He felt his chest clench as he stood there, hoping the door would open. He flatten his hand on the solid door and leaned his forehead on it, feeling the coldness on his skin, "Kakashi," he said softly. He felt torn, he didn't know what to do. _What can I do –_

"Iruka?"

Iruka looked up and found the jounin standing next to him, he felt relieved, but that feeling fled when he noticed the hidden emotions in the lone blue eye, "Kakashi…" he trailed off, not sure what to say.

Kakashi looked the younger man, noticed how the chocolate eyes looked away confused and hurt.

"I…," Iruka bit his lip.

"Uh, do you want to come in?" Kakashi asked.

For some reason the question alone made Iruka feel better, "Yeah."

Kakashi opened the door to his apartment, the chunin following him. He felt the younger man hesitate at the entrance, "Iruka? What's bothering you?"

Iruka's eyes widened, "Nothing. Sorry."

Kakashi eyed the younger man before walking into the kitchen, _Hmm_.

Iruka felt self-conscious for some reason, he knew that he wouldn't be able to bear it if Kakashi pushed him away again. But he wanted to be here, at least for moral support.

The younger man moved to sit on the couch, his feet tucked under his thighs. Kakashi walked in with two cups of tea.

Iruka took the offered cup and smiled up to his lover, "Thank you."

"Hm," he took a seat next to Iruka and silently sipped on his tea. He tried not to think, not to let his memories come to him. He tried to keep his mind blank and in the process burned his tongue. He nearly choked on his tea, the burning coursing down his throat almost painfully.

"Kakashi, are you alright?" Iruka asked him, rubbing the older man's back as he broke into a coughing fit.

Kakashi raised a hand, as if to dismiss himself, "Yeah," he cleared his throat, "Yeah, I'm fine," _Liar, _a part of him told him, and that part sounded too much like a ghost. He shivered and stood up shakily, felt the 

hand on his back drop onto the couch, but he couldn't look back, his feet took him to his bedroom and his hand closed the door behind him.

Iruka sat on the couch, and stared at the bedroom door. He sat there. Frozen.

* * *

Kakashi leaned his head back against the wall behind him, his arms resting on his raised knees. From where he sat he could look at the blue sky, that contained hardly any clouds, through his window above him. He was trying not to think. He didn't want to. He knew what happens if he did. But the eye under his hitai ate continued stinging with pain and tears. He shut his eye, and tried to swallow through the lump in his throat.

* * *

Iruka leaned his forehead against the solid door, feeling the cold surface against his skin. He closed his eyes, and tried to listen. To see if the older man was alright. He tried to ignore the ache in his heart, _Kakashi…_he let out a slow breath and leaned against the adjacent wall, before sliding down to floor, his knees drawing up to his chest. He felt helpless. He knew his lover was in there alone. And he couldn't be there for him. He bit his lip and leaned his head back a bit too hard, thumping against the wall behind him. He sighed, and closed his eyes, _I'm here for you, 'Kashi…if you want me to be, I'm here for you._

* * *

Kakashi opened his eyes as he heard a light thump against his wall, _Iruka. _He suddenly remembered last year. How he had subconsciously pushed the chunin away when he only wanted to comfort him. He remembered the hurt look in the chocolate eyes, but the younger man only murmured an apology before leaving him in his bedroom, but stayed regardless. He felt his chest clench at the memory.

"…_you're a real pushover."_

Kakashi shook his head.

"_You shouldn't be getting mad at Obito…every single time."_

"_Those ninja who don't follow the rules and regulations are called trash."_

Kakashi shuddered and shut his eye, _why did I ever say that?_

"_It's a mystery how you ever became a jounin! I am Uchiha Obito of the Uchiha clan and I will surpass you!"_

Kakashi felt his heart clench almost painfully. He opened his eye when he heard a soft knock at his bedroom door, _Iruka…_

"Kakashi…are you alright?"

Kakashi leaned his head back again, and tried to distract himself again. It wasn't working.

"Can…" there was a long pause, "Can I come in?"

Kakashi swallowed. Part of him didn't want the chunin to see him like this, being haunted by the past. The other part of him…_Iruka_.

* * *

Iruka sighed and leaned against the door.

"Y-yes."

Iruka's eyes widened, he thought he was hearing things. He swallowed thickly before opening the door and letting himself in. He had a terrible sense of Déjà vu when he found the jounin in the same corner as last year. The jounin had his head leaned back, looking through the window above him. He walked to his lover and sat at his side and looked at the older man's profile, the pale face looked as if deep in thought, a deep type of sadness that shown through the pale blue eye. Iruka dropped his gaze to the pale hand resting on raised knee, _Maybe he wanted to be alone…_he considered, suddenly feeling as if he was intruding. He looked up at the window, from his angle he couldn't really see the sky, mostly the top of trees. He looked down when a hand placed itself over his, and looked up, meeting the gaze of the pale blue eye.

"Did…" Kakashi paused when he noticed his voice began to waver, "Did I…have I told you about Obito?"

Iruka looked at the jounin, a bit taken aback by the question. He's heard of Obito, but didn't know much about him, nor what he meant to the jounin. He shook his head in response.

Kakashi looked back up for a moment before looking across the room, _I need to tell someone…someone that I trust. _He tightened his grip on the younger man's hand, _If I can tell anyone…it's Iruka._ He took a deep breath, "His name was Uchiha Obito…he was in my team," he paused, "…Naruto reminds me a lot of him…," he trailed off, and felt a warm hand rub his soothingly, "He was really energetic, and he was always late. The day I was inaugurated jounin my teammate, Rin gave me a personal medical bag…my sensei gave me a special kunai…Obito…," he shook his head with a sad smile on his lips, "I guess you could that we never got along…," he swallowed thickly and continued his gaze to the wall across from him, "That day we had a sneaking mission, to hit the enemy front line, to sabotage…," he remembered the day like if it was yesterday, "We went to the border together, from there we separated into two teams: Team Kakashi, and my sensei," he dropped his gaze, "I was appointed commander since I was jounin, they were my responsibility…" his voice cracked and the hand on his rub a thumb along his knuckles, "When we separated from our Sensei…we encountered Rock nins…and they took Rin…"

Iruka's eyes widened, but he didn't say anything, he could feel that this was difficult for the older man to speak of, but he had a feeling that this is what his lover needed.

"Obito wanted to go after them, and I stopped him," he looked away, as if scowling his past self, "My mindset was simply: to follow rules and regulations, and Obito's weren't, they were much like my-," he bit his tongue. He couldn't handle going there. The soothing thumb against his knuckles relaxed him, "He…we argued…" he flinched as if he could the stinging of the hit Obito landed on his left cheek.

"_I definitely can't stand you!"_

He could feel his left eye freely crying, "He insisted to go after Rin…that he didn't care about the rules or regulations…I told him…'Emotions are unnecessary things.'" He clenched his jaw as soon as the words left his mouth.

Iruka's gaze softened, he knew Kakashi was talking about his past self, not about the man he was now, because he knew that that's not the jounin's mindset. He rubbed the trembling hand in his and waited for the jounin to continue.

"_I believe White Fang is the true hero."_

Kakashi swallowed, "He left to go after Rin…"

"_Oh course those that in the ninja world who breaks the rules and regulations are called trash, but…those who don't care about their companions are even worse trash."_

He shut his eyes at the echo of the bitter words, "and I let him, while I went on with the mission," he raised his hand to his right shoulder, touching a scar he knew was there, "I realized what Obito told me was true, that Rin was as important as the mission itself. That she was there when we were injured, healing our wounds…being our teammate," he rubbed the scar through fabric, "I knew what I had to do…I went after him," he raised his gaze to the wall across the room again, "When I caught up to him, we encountered the Rock nins that were holding Rin captive. A nin came from behind Obito…and that's how I lost my eye."

Iruka looked at his lover's profile and understood where this was going.

"The injury helped Obito release his Sharingan for the first time…to protect his companion," his voice wavered, "Rin was being held in a cave by another Rock nin with a genjutsu…," he shuddered at the memory, "…When we released the genjutsu the enemy made the cave crumble on us…"

Iruka held the hand tighter when it began to tremble in his.

"A rock hit me on my blind spot…," he swallowed through the lump in his throat and felt his eye sting with tears, "Obito…he went back to get me out before the cave came down on us…"

"_Are you ok…? Rin…Kakashi…"_

He felt a tear run down his cheek, and clenched his jaw, "Obito didn't make it out on time…"

Iruka breath caught.

"He…the cave…it came down on him," he said softly, his voice wavering, "There was nothing we could do…the right side of his body was…was smashed under a boulder….," he swallowed again and felt the tan hand hold his firmly, but gentle, "He…he said that he knew what to give me for my present…for my jounin celebration…," he paused and reached up to removed his hitai ate. He hesitated and finally looked at the younger man, "He gave me his Sharingan…"

Iruka looked into the mismatched eyes, his heart aching as the Sharingan cried freely as the pale blue eye shined with unshed tears. He felt surreal, as if looking at two different faces at the same time, _Maybe I am._

Kakashi's gaze dropped.

"_I'm already…going to die. But… I can become your eye…"_

"It was a gift…but everyday it reminds how foolish I was," he said softly, "How I only cared about the rules and regulation…and not nearly enough for my comrades…," he looked back the chunin sitting silently next to him, "He died to save us…me, because I was too foolish and didn't listen to him," he said in a broken voice and sad smile on his lips, "He died to protect someone that called him trash because he let emotions get involved," tears ran down his cheeks as he clenched his jaw, "someone that was worse trash because he didn't care about his comrades…"

"Kakashi," he said softly and took the jounin into his arms as the older man began to shake.

"Iruka – his sacrifice wasn't worth it," he said, trying to control his himself, "He s-shouldn't have gone back for me -."

"Shhh, don't say that Kakashi," he said softly cradling the silver head against his chest, "He did what he believed was right…he wanted to protect his friend, and that's what he did."

Those words that Kakashi fought hard not to believe, that Obito thought of him as a friend, and did what he did out of the love and care of a friend, broke his last reserve. He wrapped his arms around his lover in a tight embrace, and felt the younger man's arms wrap tighter around him.

Iruka held his lover who silently cried and trembled in his arms, "Kakashi," he said softly. All he could do know is be there for him.

* * *

Kakashi woke up with an arm around his shoulders and a hand softly threading into his hair, and his head resting on his lover's chest.

Iruka slightly sitting up against the headboard as he watched the older man stir awake. The jounin had cried himself to sleep earlier, as if he was finally letting go of a burden that had been haunting him for year, but Iruka had a feeling that the burden was still there, that the jounin still needed to forgive himself.

Kakashi felt tired, emotional or physically, he couldn't tell. He looked up at his lover and noticed that the chocolate eyes were looking softly at him. A gentle hand cupped his cheek and the thumb softly followed the vertical scar over his left eye. He leaned into the relaxing touch and felt fresh tears weld up in his left eye, "Obito was always a crybaby," he explained softly.

Iruka smiled softly at the older man, and noticed that the pale blue eye was dry of tears unlike it's mismatched pair.

"Iruka," he said softly, leaning his head into the touch, "Thank you."

Iruka kissed the pale forehead, "You don't need to thank me, Kakashi."

Kakashi looked into the chocolate eyes, and dropped his gaze, "Last time…" he started, hoping the younger man would understand, "I…I didn't mean to…I just wasn't ready…"

Iruka shook his head in dismissal, "Don't worry about it, 'Kashi. I understood then, and I understand know," he said gently.

Kakashi sighed and laid his head back down and his mind began to wander, "Iruka?"

"Hm?" he looked down at the older man when he didn't respond, "What is it Kakashi?"

"Do…you think he'll ever forgive me?" he asked above a whisper.

Iruka ran a hand into the silver locks, "Do you think he would have…done what he did if he didn't?" he softly scratched the back of the older man's neck, "Do you think you'll ever forgive yourself?"

Kakashi didn't know how to answer that. Or if ever would, "I don't know," he responded in an unsure voice.

Iruka kissed the forehead of the older man, pressing his lips against it.

"_Emotions are unnecessary things."_

"I was mistaken," Kakashi said softly.

"About what?"

"That emotions weren't needed in a shinobi, that it only made a shinobi weak," he paused and lifted his head to look at his lover, "I was a machine…," he lowered his gaze to the chunin's neck, "I didn't understand emotions…Obito, he loved Rin…and I didn't understand, I thought that was what made him go after Rin…but he went after her as a comrade, a teammate…I think…," he looked back up into the chunin's eyes, "No, what made him stronger was that he had someone he wanted to protect…that he loved, that's what helped him unleash his Sharingan…," he leaned in and softly kissed the younger man, "I've realized that emotions don't make Shinobi weak," he continued, "they only make them human."

Iruka smiled at his lover and cupped a pale cheek as he leaned in and sealed their lips in another sweet kiss.

Letting himself love and live. It was the first step to forgiveness.


End file.
